A New Concept for a Dream

Autumn – Forever Young

Recently, we unexpectedly found ourselves saying goodbye to one of the little animal members of our family, Autumn. Below is a short video photo journal that opens just a tiny window into the life and legend of this  special feline who sipped water from her paws, spoke to us, played fetch like a canine and so much more. 

Autumn – Forever Young Video

We miss our little buddy. Thank you for the treasury of memories you gave us and your unconditional love that lives on forever in our hearts.

I am deeply grateful to have experienced Autumn’s Eros touch  first hand …  thank you girl.

Miss you Autumn

Advertisements

For those new to me and my wacky journey, I’ll turn back the clock a moment to share some of my personal backstory. My dad gave me a toy piano when I was about five. I took an immediate interest in it. I was grateful for the opportunity to create something that sounded pleasant. My dad, watched my interest grow and followed up with a bigger toy piano a year later, and within a few years, I graduated to a full upright piano with private lessons weekly, to continue developing my musical training.

I continued the lessons for few years, as long as my parents could afford it, but grew tired of playing just the classics like Beethoven’s Fur Elise (my dad’s personal favorite) and Moonlight Sonata (mine). So by the time I was in high school, the piano lessons stopped. Instead, I got interested and purchased song books from pop star pianists Billy Joel and Elton John. Piano was fun again and even cool! We still had the upright, so now I was inspired to continue playing for fun, especially when friends gathered. We’d converge around the piano singing these new tunes I learned that were popular with my pals. This was so much more fun than the nerve wrecking recitals I gave when I was taking lessons to show off my hard work and skills as a young pianist. Singing pop tunes like “Your Song” around the piano with friends was so much more rewarding.

By the time I was in middle school, I was encouraged to take up another instrument and made a musical friendship with the clarinet. I practiced every night and eventually was honored with joining our middle school’s marching band as a clarinetist, making my way to the top … the coveted first place, first chair position (a huge accomplishment and a big honor for this middle school kid).

What a blast it was performing with the band at all the football games, participating in the half time shows, marching in local parades for various holidays, teaming with the jazz band and orchestra for the school’s holiday shows. I cherish those years I was in the marching band and all the wonderful experiences that went with it.

My mother and sister were the pro singers in our family. They had voices like angels. I liked to sing, but was no where near the level of my mom and sister. I was just happy to sing in choirs for school and at our church. I found a safe place singing harmonies and blending in rather than as a stand out soloist. Once a teacher, or choir director learned of my piano playing skills, I got recruited as an accompanist for various occasions.

Choir and the marching band taught me so much. I learned how to be a team player, the importance of practice and the discipline of performing together as a unit, with the occasional spot as a soloist, who didn’t have to carry the entire show. I am so grateful for those experiences. By my junior year in high school, I discovered and focused on my true passion … the art of “acting” where I worked hard to prove myself and was rewarded with many opportunities to shine.

Romeo and Juliet at the University of AZ Main stage Theater

I am so blessed to have had parents that supported and helped me nurture my artistic side. They must have seen the performance “ham” in me. I was enrolled in gymnastics, ballet (performing in local ballets) tap dancing (performed in local shows), piano lessons and even signed up at the YMCA to further my gymnast skills – floor exercise, balance beam, uneven bars. Within a few months I was performing aerial cartwheels, handsprings, backflips. I was a rubber band! I didn’t know I had it in me! I was shocked the first time I performed a no handed cartwheel! You never know what you can do until you try! I realized performing came naturally to me, and the stage has always been my first home. The more skills, the merrier!

At this time in my life, with all this artistic experience, I’m at a place now, that when I’m wigged out, I can take those intense emotions and choose to work them out through the music of my beautiful keyboard, a Korg Triton Music Workstation. This keyboard is a God send tool that allows me to channel the muses in conjunction with the talented imaginary musicians (of the preset programs). My Korg Triton coaxes the cosmic music of my imagination to come to life and come out to play.

Getting lost in all the emotions (uplifting and sad) I can go to my keyboard, release my hands, let my fingers begin their magical dance and slowly a song like Ladyheart begins to take shape. This particular song was inspired by the rhythm of lyrics written by my friend, Ivonne. But when I actually started working with the lyrics, they weren’t gelling with the music I composed. I think it’s because the words weren’t mine, they were coming from someone else’s voice.

Frustrated I needed a time out. I decided to take a break and return later with a fresh perspective. I unwinded a bit in front of the tv to catch up on a show I recorded, about the making of Dances with Wolves. At the same time, Braveheart was on another channel. I have such a deep connection to Braveheart, especially because my daughter is a descendent of the Wallace clan. However, since the bad press on Mel Gibson, I couldn’t watch it. It brought up similar pain from my own soured relationship issues.

When I returned to the keyboard to work on the music again, images of the Dances with Wolves documentary flashed by. These two epic films were now fresh in my mind. I wanted to create a musical piece that had an epic feel. Pulling from all my experiences in the creative process, I wanted to create music that the ballet dancer in me could move to, that the choir singer in me would enjoy performing, that also had energy and an upbeat rhythm I could work out to. I didn’t want to impress anyone, only to amuse myself. I wanted to create for the sake of having fun, not because I had to prove anything.

I am a huge fan of soundtracks. I love practically everything John Williams has created. (Why he didn’t score every Harry Potter film is an enigma to me). So I tuned in and began thinking of epic movies that touched me. Braveheart and Lady Hawk flashed in my mind … hmmm … that was it … Ladyheart … once I had a name, the lyrics just poured out to sync with the music I outlined and whala … Ladyheart was born.

Looking for ways to heal through the power of love, I found my way out of the darkness and fear, joined forces with the muses, and began to blend music with the images dancing in my imagination. From that brew, out of the ethers Ladyheart emerges as a joyous celebration to honor the sisterhood of women. This is a tribute to all the sisters that have touched my own Ladyheart and given me so much. Thank you ladies … this is for us, our own personal connection through the Eros Touch.

Ladyheart

So I post all these blogs about the Eros Touch … healing through the power of love, yadda, yadda, yadda, and all of a sudden I post a poem … Lyrics to boot … where did that come from? I’ll tell ya’ … It came from the cosmos my friends. I am learning how to use the fertilizer that is dumped on me to plant and grow new seeds! Okay, let’s be candid, (and accountable) the fertilizer I allowed and ordered to be dumped on me.

I prayed for spiritual solutions to help me resolve some major issues. Cut to the chase, a few months ago, a new person came into my life in the form of a friend and sister, with a very heavy burden she was carrying; that of a broken heart. She sought me out because we had something in common; the broken heart was from the same man, my former spouse.

In getting to know her, and working together to process her heartache, it was awakening a sleeping dragon in me. I hadn’t fully recovered from my own heartache. When the spouse you spend over a decade building dreams, a life, a family, a business with, abandons you and his toddler, well, let’s just say it isn’t easy to understand. Some of the information revealed during our processing this pain together, confirmed he withholds child support payments months at a time, as another means of control and bullying. She didn’t realize his abuse to me is ongoing. Deep feelings of anger and rage were getting stirred … big time! Listening to the pain of this poor brokenhearted woman was silently plucking some intense “vibrations” on my heartstrings. What this gut wrenching process was revealing to me, were my own abandonment and lack of self worth issues that I, along with other countless women, including my own mother, sister, both my grandmother’s and my new friend’s mom had lived through as well — men deserting their families.

This is an epidemic!!! Men abandoning women and their children; their families; running off to build new families only to abandon and create the same heartache and pain to their new families. Some men are just not rowing with all oars! Again, I found myself in a similar predicament that I faced at the end of my marriage! I had two choices: Get mad and pick a fight; get even and seek revenge in a Count of Monte Cristo sort of way … Nah, that’s not me. I get too toxic and end up physically sick. I had a different choice to make. So I shut down outside contact, distanced myself from everyone and focused on using all this “crap” in an artistic way.

The death of my marriage had such a huge impact on me, I couldn’t even plunk a tune like Chopsticks on the piano for close to a decade. I collaborated and composed three albums with my ex that were used as soundscapes for our stage shows. These were our first children together. He had created other products on his own, but this was the first time I actually composed my own original music. When you compose and collaborate on music with a partner, it’s a different form of union and connection.

Then, I really got the socks knocked off me, when I realized he was using our music to bed women he had affairs with. That took betrayal to a whole new level. Especially because he conveniently conveyed he was the sole creator, erasing me out of the picture entirely! Ouch and Ewwww! Sleee-zeey! There was so much crap I was processing, filtering, absorbing, trying to understand … well, it just blew my mind out of orbit … where ever that was.

So, rather than staying in a place of devastation or going to a place of destruction I went to my keyboard and started to get lost in the sound of the instruments.

I’ll stop here for now … as this is getting long winded … even for me, and that’s saying alot! I will reveal my artistic background and the creative process of how I composed the music and lyrics for this beautiful gift I received, called Ladyheart.

In the meantime … here’s the YouTube link to the musical mindscape that is:

Ladyheart

Ladyheart

Ladyheart

by Mayr © 2012

Little girls, little girls, happy at play

Little pearls, little pearls, they obey

Innocent, lovable easily led astray

Sisters  now fully Grown

Journey through the unknown

Searching for where to start

Come and Heed the call of the Ladyheart

Ladyheart, Ladyheart, shattered dreams

Ladyheart, Ladyheart, silent screams

Giving your heart away fully to hungry wolves

(fighting fighting fighting biting biting biting)

We are strong and stand to fight

We will kick defend with might

We will be honored

We will be heard

Sisters together Band

Ladyheart, Ladyheart, with new dreams

Ladyheart, Ladyheart, no more screams

We will survive from the lust of the hungry wolves

 Come with me we’ll fix the issue

Throw away that soiled tissue

Join with me we’ll band together

As a group embrace the weather

As a force we’ll climb the ropes

Working hard we’ll learn to cope

Riding together

Each as a feather

All on the wings of Love

 Ladyheart, Ladyheart, build new dreams

Ladyheart, Ladyheart, sister regimes

Together we will learn how to dance with the wolves

Back from Vacation

You don’t really know what you have until you lose it! For me, having the full use of my body again after losing the ability to use my right arm and hand for a week, then throwing my back out, well, it’s nothing short of a miracle.

 

It was a pretty weird experience for sure. I had just been through an enormous emotional hurricane and getting ill brought everything I was working on up to that time, (composing new music, writing, teaching, new audio and video projects), to a screeching halt! It began with a throbbing pain in my right arm one evening. By the next morning the pain had expanded from the mid arm and engulfed my entire right shoulder. I was diagnosed 25 years ago with bursitis, but I haven’t had a flare up in decades.

 

Within two days, the pain was so intense; I couldn’t raise my arm more than 20 degrees, if even that. As the days went on, and after keeping my arm somewhat stable and on a heating pad, it wasn’t getting better. With the help of my left hand to place my right on the keyboard pain or not, I’m a householder and had to continue working. After a few more days, I had to stop all activity. At this point, I couldn’t lift my arm or open my hand, let alone move my fingers. What the heck was this? It was inflammation! The stress from the recent emotional hurricane, triggered my auto-immune disorder; the inflammation took root in my right arm. Being right handed, the loss of my right arm meant I would have to use my left to pick up the load.

 

I was beginning to feel nervous. How was I going to drive to pick up groceries from the store?  How would I care for my family? I had to make adjustments and my family was going to have to step up and help me. I cover the domestic engineer responsibilities during school hours, to support my daughter’s learning and studying needs. She has the weekends to focus on chores. As it happened, the timing of this event transpired before the new school year embarked. It was my body’s way of communicating that it needed a vacation to heal before getting into the daily routine of a new school season. I was to use that time to shut my systems down for self repair.

The physical pain of this episode was draining my energy. I had to flush the toxins and fill up on the Eros Touch. I shut down all communication; no emails, no calls, nothing for a few days. I cocooned myself in my lair and just honed in on things to make me laugh, feel happy and inspired. I waited out the storm. Within a few days, along with soups, fresh fruits, veggies, smoothies, juices and vitamin supplements,  the storm passed, the inflammation subsided, and I made a full recovery.

 

Whenever I get sick, I feel guilty because I’m not well enough to take care of my small family, let alone myself! But getting sick is nature’s way of saying, you need a vacation. You need to do something that makes you feel better. You need to get away from something to really appreciate it when you come back.  Being able to exercise, practice yoga, ballet, drive the car, carry bags of groceries up a flight of stairs … have flexibility and strength in my body … is a gift I cherish even more now that I’m fully recovered. I am so grateful not only for the experience, but the reminder just how much I take for granted … like the use of my hands, my legs, my eyes. I am also appreciative of the experience, because the next time I feel unloved or unsupported, I will remember that one of my biggest and best supporter’s is my body. It has journeyed gallantly with me all these years, in spite of all the crap I expose it to internally and externally. Once again I am smiling as I take a moment to appreciate the healing effects of the eros touch.

Greetings Friends!

It’s been a while since I posted on this blog because I’ve been working through some major “dragon-fire” like events in my world that really tested my resolve in finding spiritual solutions.

The reason I started this blog was to share my journey in healing through 50 some years of “manure;” the crap one attracts in their life to help them grow and become more evolved and compassionate on the one hand, and on the other, takes others to the edge; where the anger is so intense, they just want to yell, scream, break everything in sight, as well as a few of the bones of the perps who shoveled the “shitake” on us in the first place.

The more I tried to maintain a spiritual and positive attitude, the more dung I seem to be surrounded in. I finally got to a place, at the beginning of the year, where I was enthusiastic about our future. I was determined and resolved to move forward in my healing. I knew that meant opening the vault to some very dark experiences in order to embrace them as gifts, and finally release them. But I did NOT expect it in the way it revealed itself to me.

I had locked away so much pain and heartache from the dissolution of my family (birth family and my marriage). Obviously my birth family is a difficult one because it was the foundation that set me on my path. It had become so contaminated; I had to walk away from them. It was easier to do that, than continue to try to fight just to find a common ground to maintain balance.

The hardship from the breakup of my marriage is a result of the extreme disrespect and dishonor I continue to experience, ten years after the divorce. I take responsibility for enabling during the relationship, because when you grow up in an abusive family, your sense of who is safe and who isn’t always clear. When the people that are entrusted to love and protect you, violate you physically and emotionally, then justify their actions any way they logically can, you tend to not have a clear idea of who and what is safe, and after a while you just sit there and take it, because it’s easier than fighting.

That’s how the last few years of my marriage were. Rather than continue to fight, argue and stand up for myself, I just did what I was conditioned to do, not only take it, but offer him more reasons to abuse me. He came home one day late in November from a trip to tell me “our relationship was about to evolve to another level.” What the hell did that mean? It meant, he fell in love with another woman and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her and her two children. I did not remember that in the brochure when I signed up for this marriage! His infidelity was the excuse I needed to finally justify my kicking his ass to the curb. I did take him back after that first affair fizzled, only until he met the next one and dumped us again. Oh well, at least I did everything on my part to try to work it out for our daughter’s sake. “Strike two … you’re out for sure now bub!” I mean I knew the guy was eccentric … I didn’t realize, he was “mental” … literally! That is what I really understand now — the seriousness of his mental condition, ten years later.

I’ve been out of this marriage for a decade, but because of the “mental” condition of this former mate, it has been ten years of continual skirmishes and battles. I keep asking, “Why? What is this guy’s problem?” I gave him a divorce. I didn’t ask for alimony, which I certainly was entitled to after fourteen years of devotion, dedication, and giving up my own dreams to make his come true. All I asked for was custody of our child and support in raising her. I did get custody (as he told me he figured he’d be gone by the time she was 5, so apparently she was not a priority to him). Plus, lucky me, in addition, I receive blame for turning his child against him; still hear the lies he spreads, which include that I took his child away from him; every month it’s a struggle just to receive a child support payment; and, we get to deal a guy that is NOT plugged in to his child on any level. Yay us

Our daughter in an effort to try to re-establish her own relationship, reached out to him over the summer. She heard he was in town, and sent him an email, as he did not attempt to contact her on his own while he was in town, performing a few blocks down the road. She communicated to him without my knowing. She stated she did so, so he couldn’t blame me for her words, yet he managed to do so all the same. This time, my fourteen year old responded to him her own wrath. She stood up to him and said he needed to take accountability that the reason their relationship is strained is because of his actions (or lack thereof), his lies and his cheating. She pointed out that he wasn’t listening to anything she was trying to communicate. So she decided at this time, there is no point even trying and decided to cut off communication. Of course, this too was turned around and in his view, once again, I am to blame, she is merely the innocent victim in what he calls, “a messy divorce.”

So … yeah … I’ve been having a helluva time trying to embrace the Eros Touch through all this. At the beginning of the year, I finally got to a point in my life where I’d had enough. I said, “Okay … it’s been ten years, I’ve tried to handle this humanely, but enough is enough.” For our own health and well being, I consciously made a decision to write this guy out of our lives. I was determined that I would no longer depend on any monies for support and do what I had to, to make up for the monthly support amount I depended on from him. If it comes in great … I’ll just put it aside and start a college fund (finally) for my honor role student.

Then our “lifeship” got hit … hard … I was robbed from an internet scam back in March and at the same time, the ex decided not to send support for two months. I was in crisis and survival mode trying to figure out how to pay rent. My work load had also slowed down at that time and I found myself really needing that monthly child support just to cover the basics!

My rage began to surface and only kept getting more intense. As I tried to find spiritual solutions and bail my butt out, as if my load wasn’t enough, shortly after this, a broken hearted woman that commented on one of my blog postings, reached out to me about her own recent break up and personal heartache. As we became more acquainted, I realized her heartache was over my ex; which means, he’s done it again to wife #2, who is straddled with their two young children. Now whether she found out about this recent love affair, I’m not sure and it’s none of my business. His having yet another affair brought back the memories of my horrific experiences with infidelity. She revealed the intensity of their love affair, as well as his promises to embark on a life with her as soon as he was able to leave his current situation.

Then, the real damage for me set in … she shared documentation and receipts (she had become his personal business manager) that while I was waiting for support monies for months at a time, this guy was spending tens of thousands of dollars recklessly; purchasing horses for his 100 acre homestead in Australia, and donating money for charity, while I’m waiting for monies to feed our child. Needless to say, I have NOT been in a very loving space, nor did I feel I wanted to find spiritual solutions. I was pissed! I was furious … I was fuming!!! I did not expect the level of malice from him or from his current wife. How could she be okay with not paying child support monies? How can she be okay with buying a horse, and not making sure court ordered child support monies are paid first? You can use the excuse, “Oh gosh, I didn’t know,” But where are these people’s moral compass?

I was so ticked, I wanted to tell the world. I wanted to expose them and to a certain degree I did, through my own social networks. The gift I have received from this new friend and we have come to realize together through this experience, is that this man really has a mental disorder. It’s called Narcissistic Personality Disorder. We’re not giving him an excuse for his bad behavior, because he really needs professional help (which I tried to encourage during our marriage). With personalities like this, who tend to harbor a messiah complex, they are too EVOLVED for therapy. So … knowing I cannot inspire him to get help … I decided that my initial resolve to remove myself from their reality completely is the ONLY path for us at this time. I decided that it is NOT good for my health to know anything more about these people. (The high level of anger debilitated me for over a week. My body became so inflamed, I lost the use of my right arm for 8 days). Like my birth family, my ex and his new family at this time, are not a good example of a supportive loving family to my daughter and myself. It is better for us to completely detach.

The only way I can embrace the EROS TOUCH is by not touching that reality bubble at all. I cannot change who they are, I cannot influence their decisions, nor inspire them to be more compassionate and supportive (after all, his current wife knew he was still married, with a 2 year old when she participated in the dissolution of my family) and he … well, he has NPD. It’s their reality … I’ve got my own life boat to run, with completely different set of values and rules.

So with that … I am finding balance again far from that particular fire and can embrace the EROS TOUCH and focus it at this time on healing myself from this latest round of contamination. In doing so, I stand up for my daughter, myself and all my abused sisters. Together we will rise up against these bullies by exposing them (because intentionally doing things like withholding child support for any reason, is nothing more than another form of bullying and exerting power over someone else). I’ve forgiven myself about feeling toxic and not loving toward those who betray us and go out of their way to hurt us, for I know “they know NOT what they are doing” at this time. I will continue to pray for them, that they find their way back to being more loving and compassionate as well.

I know now, it’s okay to get mad, it’s okay to bonk someone on the head … but after a while … when it’s clear the price is too high on me (and I lose my health) … it’s time to let it go … and give it to God … whose EROS TOUCH is much more effective than mine.

Whew … okay that was a lot to process … focusing this round of “Greek” fire on my creative side. All this emotion, pain, hurt, etc., is great for my art … music, acting … writing … and so … new babies are on the way.

In the meantime … I continue my dance carving a path through the turbulence where I can find stillness and balance with the help of those that love us unconditionally, support our choices and embrace that Eros Touch!

Until next time …

Healing Tools

Learning to trust and build relationships isn’t easy when you are confused about who and what to trust. For me, growing up in an environment of abuse and bullying taught me abuse was normal, at home anyway. I didn’t see that kind of behavior displayed in the classroom, or in public. I learned early on to keep quiet and look the other way at domestic violence.

When I was very young, kindergarten or first grade, I remember witnessing my father slap my mother. As a child, corporal punishment was the disciplinary tool implemented in our home, so when my dad struck my mom, it seemed standard behavior. Later that day, I was over at a neighbor’s house playing and in a matter of fact way, announced that my father struck my mommy. When I returned home that afternoon, I was severely punished for sharing that information, which I did not know, was NOT to be shared. I did not talk about domestic violence to anyone outside the home, thereafter.

I know now, that domestic violence is never okay on any level. Whether it’s physical or emotional. Women are becoming stronger and standing up more, but we still need to communicate to each other. I know I kept silent about so much, because I was not only conditioned, but after a while, it’s too humiliating to say anything. Your friends look at you like you are crazy for ever enabling anyone to hurt you. But when you are taught (by example set in your own family) abuse is normal, you just don’t talk about it.

When friends share stories of abuse with me now, I do what I can to help educate them. I remind them (in case they didn’t know, like I didn’t) that it’s never okay for anyone to call them names, or make them feel bad about themselves on any level. The social worker assigned to us from my own divorce, educated me further on the subject. I was advised that anyone who makes me feel bad about my body, calling me fat, making fun of any of my body parts, is considered “sexually abusive.” I had no idea that was a form of sexual abuse. That was a huge aha moment for me at the age of 44! I sure coulda used that information much earlier thank you very much! I had been abused right and left and didn’t even know it! Doh! I mean, I knew it felt awful to hear and feel those things, but I didn’t put two and two together. I was so used to getting walloped it was business as usual at that point! When you are beaten down continually by everyone you believed was safe … your world can be a bit confusing.

I discovered that talking to people, professionals,  friends or just about anyone who will listen for that matter, were what I needed to help with my healing. They helped me realize I am not alone and steered me to many fantastic tools which I continue to share and stockpile in my arsenal for healing. The tools I refer to are simply anything that lifts your spirits, a good movie, awesome music, guided meditation, and motivational/self help books. These have been life safers at those times when I need help escaping, understanding the insanity of my world or just for when I need a quick battery charge to my personal operating system.

I even started to create quick little escapes of my own to help keep me balanced when a big wave throws me off my “life’s surboard.”  A quick little escape really helps me. I included a link below I put together, as a quick pick me up when my mental faculties are drained. I call these little video clips, Mayr’s Mindscapes. Nice visuals … relaxing music … a quick guilt free break without having to leave the office. Works for me every time.

I call this one …  the Mountainside …

Mountainside

 Keeping that Eros touch alive … in every aspect of my life.

Until next time …