It’s been a while since I posted on this blog because I’ve been working through some major “dragon-fire” like events in my world that really tested my resolve in finding spiritual solutions.
The reason I started this blog was to share my journey in healing through 50 some years of “manure;” the crap one attracts in their life to help them grow and become more evolved and compassionate on the one hand, and on the other, takes others to the edge; where the anger is so intense, they just want to yell, scream, break everything in sight, as well as a few of the bones of the perps who shoveled the “shitake” on us in the first place.
The more I tried to maintain a spiritual and positive attitude, the more dung I seem to be surrounded in. I finally got to a place, at the beginning of the year, where I was enthusiastic about our future. I was determined and resolved to move forward in my healing. I knew that meant opening the vault to some very dark experiences in order to embrace them as gifts, and finally release them. But I did NOT expect it in the way it revealed itself to me.
I had locked away so much pain and heartache from the dissolution of my family (birth family and my marriage). Obviously my birth family is a difficult one because it was the foundation that set me on my path. It had become so contaminated; I had to walk away from them. It was easier to do that, than continue to try to fight just to find a common ground to maintain balance.
The hardship from the breakup of my marriage is a result of the extreme disrespect and dishonor I continue to experience, ten years after the divorce. I take responsibility for enabling during the relationship, because when you grow up in an abusive family, your sense of who is safe and who isn’t always clear. When the people that are entrusted to love and protect you, violate you physically and emotionally, then justify their actions any way they logically can, you tend to not have a clear idea of who and what is safe, and after a while you just sit there and take it, because it’s easier than fighting.
That’s how the last few years of my marriage were. Rather than continue to fight, argue and stand up for myself, I just did what I was conditioned to do, not only take it, but offer him more reasons to abuse me. He came home one day late in November from a trip to tell me “our relationship was about to evolve to another level.” What the hell did that mean? It meant, he fell in love with another woman and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her and her two children. I did not remember that in the brochure when I signed up for this marriage! His infidelity was the excuse I needed to finally justify my kicking his ass to the curb. I did take him back after that first affair fizzled, only until he met the next one and dumped us again. Oh well, at least I did everything on my part to try to work it out for our daughter’s sake. “Strike two … you’re out for sure now bub!” I mean I knew the guy was eccentric … I didn’t realize, he was “mental” … literally! That is what I really understand now — the seriousness of his mental condition, ten years later.
I’ve been out of this marriage for a decade, but because of the “mental” condition of this former mate, it has been ten years of continual skirmishes and battles. I keep asking, “Why? What is this guy’s problem?” I gave him a divorce. I didn’t ask for alimony, which I certainly was entitled to after fourteen years of devotion, dedication, and giving up my own dreams to make his come true. All I asked for was custody of our child and support in raising her. I did get custody (as he told me he figured he’d be gone by the time she was 5, so apparently she was not a priority to him). Plus, lucky me, in addition, I receive blame for turning his child against him; still hear the lies he spreads, which include that I took his child away from him; every month it’s a struggle just to receive a child support payment; and, we get to deal a guy that is NOT plugged in to his child on any level. Yay us!
Our daughter in an effort to try to re-establish her own relationship, reached out to him over the summer. She heard he was in town, and sent him an email, as he did not attempt to contact her on his own while he was in town, performing a few blocks down the road. She communicated to him without my knowing. She stated she did so, so he couldn’t blame me for her words, yet he managed to do so all the same. This time, my fourteen year old responded to him her own wrath. She stood up to him and said he needed to take accountability that the reason their relationship is strained is because of his actions (or lack thereof), his lies and his cheating. She pointed out that he wasn’t listening to anything she was trying to communicate. So she decided at this time, there is no point even trying and decided to cut off communication. Of course, this too was turned around and in his view, once again, I am to blame, she is merely the innocent victim in what he calls, “a messy divorce.”
So … yeah … I’ve been having a helluva time trying to embrace the Eros Touch through all this. At the beginning of the year, I finally got to a point in my life where I’d had enough. I said, “Okay … it’s been ten years, I’ve tried to handle this humanely, but enough is enough.” For our own health and well being, I consciously made a decision to write this guy out of our lives. I was determined that I would no longer depend on any monies for support and do what I had to, to make up for the monthly support amount I depended on from him. If it comes in great … I’ll just put it aside and start a college fund (finally) for my honor role student.
Then our “lifeship” got hit … hard … I was robbed from an internet scam back in March and at the same time, the ex decided not to send support for two months. I was in crisis and survival mode trying to figure out how to pay rent. My work load had also slowed down at that time and I found myself really needing that monthly child support just to cover the basics!
My rage began to surface and only kept getting more intense. As I tried to find spiritual solutions and bail my butt out, as if my load wasn’t enough, shortly after this, a broken hearted woman that commented on one of my blog postings, reached out to me about her own recent break up and personal heartache. As we became more acquainted, I realized her heartache was over my ex; which means, he’s done it again to wife #2, who is straddled with their two young children. Now whether she found out about this recent love affair, I’m not sure and it’s none of my business. His having yet another affair brought back the memories of my horrific experiences with infidelity. She revealed the intensity of their love affair, as well as his promises to embark on a life with her as soon as he was able to leave his current situation.
Then, the real damage for me set in … she shared documentation and receipts (she had become his personal business manager) that while I was waiting for support monies for months at a time, this guy was spending tens of thousands of dollars recklessly; purchasing horses for his 100 acre homestead in Australia, and donating money for charity, while I’m waiting for monies to feed our child. Needless to say, I have NOT been in a very loving space, nor did I feel I wanted to find spiritual solutions. I was pissed! I was furious … I was fuming!!! I did not expect the level of malice from him or from his current wife. How could she be okay with not paying child support monies? How can she be okay with buying a horse, and not making sure court ordered child support monies are paid first? You can use the excuse, “Oh gosh, I didn’t know,” But where are these people’s moral compass?
I was so ticked, I wanted to tell the world. I wanted to expose them and to a certain degree I did, through my own social networks. The gift I have received from this new friend and we have come to realize together through this experience, is that this man really has a mental disorder. It’s called Narcissistic Personality Disorder. We’re not giving him an excuse for his bad behavior, because he really needs professional help (which I tried to encourage during our marriage). With personalities like this, who tend to harbor a messiah complex, they are too EVOLVED for therapy. So … knowing I cannot inspire him to get help … I decided that my initial resolve to remove myself from their reality completely is the ONLY path for us at this time. I decided that it is NOT good for my health to know anything more about these people. (The high level of anger debilitated me for over a week. My body became so inflamed, I lost the use of my right arm for 8 days). Like my birth family, my ex and his new family at this time, are not a good example of a supportive loving family to my daughter and myself. It is better for us to completely detach.
The only way I can embrace the EROS TOUCH is by not touching that reality bubble at all. I cannot change who they are, I cannot influence their decisions, nor inspire them to be more compassionate and supportive (after all, his current wife knew he was still married, with a 2 year old when she participated in the dissolution of my family) and he … well, he has NPD. It’s their reality … I’ve got my own life boat to run, with completely different set of values and rules.
So with that … I am finding balance again far from that particular fire and can embrace the EROS TOUCH and focus it at this time on healing myself from this latest round of contamination. In doing so, I stand up for my daughter, myself and all my abused sisters. Together we will rise up against these bullies by exposing them (because intentionally doing things like withholding child support for any reason, is nothing more than another form of bullying and exerting power over someone else). I’ve forgiven myself about feeling toxic and not loving toward those who betray us and go out of their way to hurt us, for I know “they know NOT what they are doing” at this time. I will continue to pray for them, that they find their way back to being more loving and compassionate as well.
I know now, it’s okay to get mad, it’s okay to bonk someone on the head … but after a while … when it’s clear the price is too high on me (and I lose my health) … it’s time to let it go … and give it to God … whose EROS TOUCH is much more effective than mine.
Whew … okay that was a lot to process … focusing this round of “Greek” fire on my creative side. All this emotion, pain, hurt, etc., is great for my art … music, acting … writing … and so … new babies are on the way.
In the meantime … I continue my dance carving a path through the turbulence where I can find stillness and balance with the help of those that love us unconditionally, support our choices and embrace that Eros Touch!
Until next time …