Life doesn’t always feel like a bowl full of cherries. In fact, its starting to feel more like rotten tomatoes! What up with that? I came to the conclusion I’ve experienced life that way because I’ve been pissed off for pretty much a long time now; longer than I really cared to acknowledge. Even though I was ignoring it, living by the proverbial river “D’Nile,” my body was communicating loud and clear through “dis-ease!” I had to go to the root of the problem and do the real work my body needed to heal. That meant, I had to do a whole ‘lotta digging; decades worth of “crud to sift through!” The more I probed, the more I realized, I’ve held on to things I was mad about, well ever since I can remember. I had become an “anger hoarder!”
I vividly remember as a preschooler, I was always smiling, enthusiastic, and very excited about life. I laughed a lot, played a lot and had loads of fun. Those years were filled with awesome experiences, because I didn’t hold on to any anger then. Things began to change in elementary school when I became more conscious of my surroundings. I remember feeling sad and hurt a lot more. I got hurt when someone hit me. I got hurt when someone lied. I got hurt when I was betrayed. I didn’t know at the time, I was living in an abusive environment. Everyone there was in a perpetual state of anger and pain, so toxicity was normal.
After high school, when I moved out of the family “mad” house, I created my own. I remember in college, after another intense breakup with a boyfriend, my girlfriends and I jokingly said we were going to form a club to celebrate all the disastrous relationships we survived. We were going to call ourselves The Bitter Bitches of America! We never did, but the feelings we were expressing were real! We were mad we invested in people that broke our hearts and seem to do so with little respect and compassion.
That was just more stuff to add to my ever growing list of things that ticked me off! I was mad at my family for teaching me abusive behavior was accepted and normal. I was mad at the abusive relationships I attracted; boyfriends, bosses and girlfriends. It seemed everyone was here to teach me about betrayal, lies and cheating. I thought it was normal because everyone in my inner circle behaved that way. The truth was, I was operating from those belief systems and focused my energy on those who were like minded. I didn’t understand that concept at the time. Each year that went by, I just kept getting angrier and didn’t even realize it.
I had moments and events throughout my life that were joyous and happy; but I didn’t focus on the happiness. I focused on what made me mad when things went wrong disregarding the happiness I felt. Then the granddaddy of all events happened and I focused all my anger and bitterness on it, the big D! Divorce has that effect, especially when you are a new mom with a two-year-old, facing parenthood alone. Anger, betrayal, shock; those measly emotions didn’t hold a candle to the rage I was feeling over the divorce! Yup … many, many, years of anger had built up. Something had to give!
The science of anger is complex, from the emotional to the physical. When I began to manifest my negative emotions through disease, I understood it was spirit’s way of getting me to listen and look inward for solutions. So began the real communion work on me.
Up to that point, all spiritual roads I learned about, led me back to GOD; that inner place of safety and love. I discovered this from the teachings of each of the major religions I learned about and studied on my own spiritual quest. These religions confirmed to me that the paths are many, but the message is the same: Love is the way.
In an effort to heal the anger I was hoarding and to be the best mom I could for my daughter, I had to learn how to be the best person I could towards myself, first. I had to learn to stop beating up on myself, the way I had learned to, by those closest to me, that taught me abusive behavior was “normal.”
So with that in mind, inspired by the teachings and meditations from the best of the best (ancient and modern teachers) I set out to create a way for me to heal and share my experience with others, who like myself, are tired of being angry and just want to feel at peace to love and enjoy life again.
I had to learn how to transform the energy of anger I harbored, into an attitude of gratitude, in everything I do and touch. In doing so, a new era for me has begun, the era of The Eros Touch. This is my ongoing journey to a life of wholeness and my commitment to sharing and spreading The Eros Touch .